Anarchy and Chaos

There are two things I need to share with you. I have a beard and I do something that I could probably get arrested for in several countries. One is in-your-face (/on-your-face haha, little beardy joke for you) the other is clandestine subversion.First, I will list reasons to have a beard (sorry ladies and military personnel unable or not allowed to wear a beard). 1. It keeps ice away from my top lip when drinking iced beverages (also applies to a lone moustache). 2. When in snow/icy conditions, the ice sticks to the beard and I feel like I’m on a polar expedition. 3. Although I do shave my neck region, I can go for days without having to pick up a razor. This saves time and money. 4. It protects my face from flash burns when firing a musket (the reason that sideburns are called sideburns. A full beard simply offers more protection). 5. I can stroke it for inspiration. I could go on but I’ll spare you. Just take my word for it, beards are great. They’ll soon be unfashionable again (in fact there are plenty of claims already) so you’ll be quirky again soon enough. Just push through the first itchy month, and bearded glory awaits.Next, sedition.I’ve covered the beard. It’s trendy, it’s not trendy, whatever. Mine is for life (unless I change my mind but I’ve had it four years and feel inclined to keep it) not just for Christmas. What I have to talk about next is far darker and more subversive. If you’re worried about GCHQ snooping on your communications stop reading now and clear your browser history.Lean in. I have something to whisper to you… I wear odd socks.I have two practical reasons for this. 1. It saves me pairing them after washing. 2. I have no fear of the sock thief – if one goes missing I don’t even notice.But, and this is the dangerous bit. People think I’m going to overthrow the government. Seriously, people would be less suspicious if I was called Guy and walked into Parliament carrying a barrel of gunpowder.Obviously the fact that I wear odd socks isn’t immediately apparent, especially if smartly dressed (unusual). I could be chatting to someone about work or the state of the FTSE 100 (I don’t do that but I could) and then boom! They catch a flash of a striped sock and a spotty one. That’s it. I can almost hear the cogs whirring. Nearly everyone tries to not say something. It normally takes about 30 seconds (often a lot less) before they buckle. “Oh, err, you’re wearing odd socks.” “Am I?! So I am!” I now have the psychological upper hand. They’re now wondering what else I’m capable of. Could I perhaps drink red wine with fish? I do. Talk to myself? I do (I blame this on being an only child). Lead a rebellion? I haven’t, but I could. People are genuinely incapable of not mentioning my socks once seen and are left truly doubting my true intentions. If you don’t believe me, try it.**Author’s note: I cannot be held responsible if anyone wears odd socks and is detained by the security services.

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